WARNING : DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME 🍾
In case you been wondering where I’ve been (if you haven’t – you can just pretend)…
I POPPED A CHAMPAGNE CORK IN MY EYE.
1st mistake: I was not wearing protective eye gear (pictured below) aka overpriced sunglasses that are 2x as strong as beer googles and 3x as strong as rose coloured glasses.
Between the throbbing pain and having extreme light sensitivity – I’m talking phones AND fridges – I’ve lost weight AND followers.
2nd mistake: I thought I was Neo from the Matrix and tried to “dodge” the cork traveling at 27.3 mph at my face but I failed and…
I THREW OUT MY BACK.
and with it went all my patience and parenting skills. I cannot explain the helplessness I felt being unable to care for myself or my child.
Or his displeasure at being unable to use my body as his jungle gym. But he found an unwillingly replacement in my sister and she found a reason to change her Bumble profile.
She no longer wants children. PERIOD.
So in conclusion, please leave “poppin’ bottles” to the “professionals” aka individuals who are required by their career – or their ego – to send a small, fasting moving, projectile into the air and risk injury to themselves, not to mention others.
Oh, and waste a DAMN good bottle of expensive champagne. There are thirsty betches in Hollywood who need drinks.
Please consider donating the cost of one bottle of DOM PERIGON MAGNUM ($1600) to my #savingthirstybetches campaign. Thanks!
📷: The Original CHAMPAGNE Papi 🍾