“If you are calm in the face of chaos, you probably don’t fully understand the situation.”
Chaos is my default.
So is Catholicism.
But since I had a kid out of wedlock you can see how well that has worked for me…
So I’m trying to reprogram myself.
If only I could control my mind like I can control my cycle….
But I can’t.
And ordinarily I am able to remain naively optimistic – like the pageant contestants that wish for “world peace”.
Because I live in the land of possibility, not probability.
Well, at least until I became a mother.
Because I brought a child not only into this world, but into “my world.” The guilt I feel for bringing him into “my world” of chaos has grown proportionately to my waistline. #truestory
And this summer my guilt – like my waistline – expanded to record high levels. So my psychiatrist and I decided to discontinue one of my four medications.
The upside – I lost 15 pounds.
The downside – I lost hope.
I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live as a failure.
Because when you have to choose between buying gas or buying diapers for your child it’s hard not to feel like a failure.
So I’m going to Rehab – again.
And no, I’m not talking about the pool party in Vegas.