I woke up like THIS….#Beyonce

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“I’d be less tired if I didn’t have to wake up early to make my face look less tired. “

I’m all for Beyonce’s “I WOKE UP LIKE THIS” movement but for some of us – it’s just not that cute, let alone #FLAWLESS.   Not to mention if it’s the “Morning After” – how I affectionately refer to the morning after a night of dropping it low, shaking it fast, and getting the goods. and boy was he good. until I woke up the “Morning After” with this b*tchin’ headache and nauseau like Kate Middleton during her first pregnancy.

So let me tell how I woke up this morning. and if you’re like why not just show you – I don’t do selfies – at least not the kind you post on the Internet….and I can barely get myself together let alone find a ugly but cute angle and snap like 10 photos so I choose the best one to share. #struggle

This morning I woke up with last night’s makeup and outfit on. The first thing I do is find my phone. I check my texts from last night to make sure I didn’t start anything that I sure as heck don’t want to finish today. Ok, I’ll admit it sometimes I scroll through my phone after a few too many shots of tequila and text all my past, present, and possible future booty calls. and once my dad. #scarredforlife

Over time I have perfected the “Hey” approach. I think I should get in copyright protected.  I’m kidding…at least for the most part. What’s that you ask? I text every potential booty call “Hey.” and if they respond then I continue to be coy yet suggestive. #sluttyprude If they don’t respond – the next morning when they send the “Sorry I missed your text. What’s up?” I can just respond “No worries. What’s new with you?”  or something banal/innoculous like that. Believe me, this came after a few to many drunken texts that resulted in no booty but a ton of drama. #fml

Then I find the nearest sports bra + baggy tshirt – especially if I have been drinking the night before. I wake up skinny but then I retain water throughout the day and I go from being 0 months preggers to 4 months. #hotmess Then I roll out of bed to the bathroom. Now this is where things get fun. I do the underwear check. It’s actually more a discovery than a check.  I either have them or I don’t. and I find out when I pull down my pants // skirt // shorts and pop a squat on the toilet. and if you’re like how can you not know if you have underwear on then you obviously have not been reading this blog on a regular basis. #shameonyou.

As, for the underwear – shit happens #lol

I woke up like THIS.

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