I’m scared shitless to write this post. Ok, actually I’m pretty regular on the potty…except for the 6 days I recently spent in jail but we’ll save that story for later. #cliffhanger
I don’t know why I always think it’ll be different for me.
“I would never….be like that.”
“If that happened to me…I would definitely leave.”
Well it did and I didn’t.
And if you’re thinking just spit it out heifer – bear with me. Because I am a strong woman. Those thunder thighs ain’t for nothing baby. I am an independent woman. Thank God for vibrators. and booty calls. and …. haven’t you been reading my blog?!?! #smh
I am also an abused woman.
He calls it being “hands-y.” He says that I don’t know what abuse is. He’s never punched me… He’s never slapped me…
Just thrown me into walls and over couches. Pinned me down and dragged me around.
Oh, and let’s not forget – he’s choked me. Multiple times. But the first time doesn’t count because he wasn’t trying to kill me that time. Just the second time. #wtf
But NONE of this counts as abuse because he had his “reasons”. And because he has his “reasons” it’s all self defense to the pain that I’ve caused him. Mental pain, but pain nonetheless.
If you’re thinking WTF. I mean seriously. WTF is she smoking, snorting, or swallowing to think that his behavior and actions would ever be ok.
And the answer is – it’s complicated. At least it is for me.
Because the truth is that we’ve hurt each other. And mental pain is pain. I won’t deny his pain but I’m learning it that his “self-defense” isn’t self defense.
I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still love him. To some that will sound crazy, bit I assure you I’m medicated. Regardless, this post isn’t for you. It’s for the person reading this who doesn’t realize that yes love can hurt sometimes, but it should never hurt like this.