“Dear God, Please let me know if I like penis or vagina…Amen.”

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jared leto - sexy

I’m not bisexual…I’m just GREEDY.

Most soon-to-be 16 year olds are probably praying for a car. As for me? Instead of asking God for a Mercedes Benz I was asking Him/Her if I was going to like a Mercedes or a Ben.

Up until this point I had “liked” boys. And by like,  I mean tolerated. Puberty + high school = boys with carpel tunnel (from repetitive hand motions…and I’m not talking about typing) + lame jokes. Do you remember the Pen15 Club (Pen + 15 = Penis) or “I have 11 fingers. Want to see them?” (Guess which one is the 11th? Hint: It’s not actually a finger.)

And yes, I fell for both of those jokes. #scarredforlife

So back to my sexual confusion…

 

I lost my virginity at age 12.

 

Well… at least I thought I did…for about 2 weeks.

My first sex ed class was a failure. obviously. My friend told me that if you kissed a boy then you were no longer a virgin. (If that really was true then I lost my virginity at 4 years old. His name was Nick. Our first kiss was in a tent. Sometime between learning how to color and nap time. #cantreadbutIcankiss) My friend actually demonstrated how to have sex …with teddy bears. One had a bow and the other had a bow tie. Who needs a penis or a vagina?  Talk about another reason why we need to teach sex education to every single kid. Otherwise they may end up having sex ed in the bathroom with teddy bears and go on a secret mission to find their virginity…in the lost and found. I mean where else would you look? #haveyouseenmyvirginity? #pleasecallme

So by the time I was 16 I was exhausted. I needed to know.

Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina. Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina. Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina. Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina. Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina. Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.Penis or vagina.

So I did what any good Catholic school girl would do – I got down on my knees…..and prayed (I just realized that these days when I get down on my knees it’s usually not for praying. But God did say that we should serve others. As often as we can. And to the best of our abilities. icon-smile-o ) I honestly did not have a preference for my sexuality, but if I was going to be a lesbian I needed to get started with planning the funeral arrangements for at least half of my family. They call it unconditional love – but in my family it’s called unconditional-until-you-embarrass-me-or-become-a-lesbian. #loveyougrandma

 

So…did it work? Did my birthday wish come true?

 

Yes….and No. (Huh?!?!?) #struggle

 

In all my desperate attempts to figure out if I was:

  1. Straight,  or
  2.  Gay

I forgot about a third option – C. bisexual or what I prefer to call queer.  (And they say that you don’t use anything you learned in college. #robinbernstein)

 

In the end I got what all 16 years old want:  a Mercedes Benz.  Only mine wasn’t a car. But I still had fun riding it. #ohyeah

 

(If you like this, then you’ll LOVE He loves me…but he loves her MORE. #h-o-t-m-e-s-s)

xoxo,

My John HanCOCK

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