My best friend is getting married. Time to buy a cat. or two. three max.

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Future Cat Lady

“I’m fine with being the cat lady if dating you is the alternative.”

I knew my best friend, the Biz, was engaged before the words even left her mouth.

No, I am not psychic or psycho, ok the second one is debatable, but when you’ve been besties // bffl // bad betches with someone for 8+ years and you’re hyper – vigilant (that’s what my therapist calls my innate ability to notice minute details such as your 5 pound weight gain – and no it didn’t all go to your boobs ), you can tell when something is up. Plus we already knew her boyfriend/future fiance was in the process of designing a ring. and of course we’d seen the sketches.

What the froth – how did we get our hands on this top secret information?!? Bad betches don’t reveal their sources or their secrets. So I’ll never tell….ok, I probably will but only because I feel like we’ve become so close – how could I ever keep a secret from you? Yes, I’m talking or I guess technically I’m writing to YOU – stop looking around like an idiot – there is no one behind you. at least I hope there isn’t. this blog is not conducive to getting a raise – unless we are talking about your blood pressure.

But back to the matter at hand…

Even though the Biz and I knew a marriage proposal was on the horizon, we both thought we had more time. and if you’re thinking wtf – why does it matter?  Then let me explain to you what it’s like to be in your late 20s and single.

::Brunches::

Everyone and their mama wants to go to “brunch.”  Gone are the days of hitting up the bars, staying out all night,  waking up next to a scantily clad stranger. Instead we “brunch” and I entertain my friends with my #BATSHITCRAZY stories of singledom and they remind me why I’m never getting married.

::Weddings::

If you don’t attend at least 2 weddings of your elementary school // middle – high school school // college [and beyond] friends by your 25th birthday then I’d like to know what city you’re living in and when can I come visit.

Why?!? Because there must be something in the water // air // food that is causing singles to outnumber the marrieds [and yes I know I just made that word up] and I’d like to visit this 8th wonder of the world before it gets overrun by Asian tourists. and their peace signs.

::Baby Showers::

The only time in life that people will gather to celebrate a woman’s weight gain. with sweet treats and sweet gifts. I wish someone would give me gifts for gaining 20 pounds. I mean is the whole Im-having-a-baby part really necessary?!?!

::Kids’ Birthdays::

I have an amazing idea for a new business. It’s called: RENT-a-KID. Service(s) provided: Kids [infant – toddlers] are available for birthday parties, baby showers, family gatherings or any occasion that having a little rugrat would be a welcomed accessory. I swear this could be a billion dollar business for singles like me. To be fair, most of the kids’ birthday parties that I have been to have been sympathetic to those of us who do not have a snot-filled toddler or would prefer not to be bombarded by mini-humans who have no consideration for anyone who is not related to them or covered in fur and/or feathers.

But for those unfortunate times that Chuck-E-Cheese is the birthday party destination of choice, the best advice I can give you is – KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST EXIT IS AT ALL TIMES. Oh, and don’t forget to look down. For your sake, not theirs. Toddlers on their way to the ball pit spare NO ONE in their path. I have the scars on my shins to prove it.

Ok, I know I’m being a little dramatic but the last time I was in Chuck-E-Cheese I did have to go outside and take a 15 minute I-will-never-forget-my-birth-control-again break when I was almost knocked over by one too many mini-humans. I officially understand why they sell alcoholic beverages at Chuck-E-Cheese. Now I just need then to have a shin guard rental. and a Xanax dispenser.  #25¢each

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So basically it’s a rough world out there for singles in their 20s. and if you’re lucky enough to find a best friend // wifey // partner-in-crime like mine, it’s hard to think about having to share her with a boyfriend, let alone a husband.

Because as the nursery rhyme says: First comes love, them comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. at least for her. for me, the best friend – here’s the remixed version:

First comes her finding love,

then comes preparing for her marriage,

then comes only talking about babies and baby carriages. #fml

P.S. If any of you soon-to-be-mamas want to know the way to a single girl’s heart and amazing baby shower gifts – use the Amazon Baby Shower Gift Registry. You choose, we buy, they ship.  #winwinWIN icon-smile-o

xoxo,

My John HanCOCK

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