“I’ll do ANYTHING to lose 10 lbs – except eat healthy and work out.“
I really did try to get up this morning and write this post after I finished working out. I mean that’s what you’re supposed to do. I know you’ve seen those posts that are like, “I just finished a 5 mile run! I icon-heart Running!” or “Awesome 3 hour workout this morning!” You will NEVER get one of those from me. Because no, it was not a great run, it was torture. And yes, I do like (not love) to workout, but does it have to be so early in the morning?!? Falling asleep on the workout mats is just not the business – especially when there’s drool. FML. I even had an 5:30 am alarm that said “Get your fat ass up!” and the snooze was “This is why you are a fat ass.” but alas my desire for sleep trumped my desire to have butt like Beyonce’s.
Maybe I should try having the song Bootylicious as my alarm? (Hold on a sec I’m going to go do that before I forget. #priorities)
Ok I’m back.
So EVERYONE I know, myself included, always posts motivational pictures that have a girl with phenomenally sculpted abs or a an ass so firm you could sit a cup on it – literally (but I’ve always wondered – are we all worried that tables will soon become obsolete? Did I miss that tweet?). So today I decided that we, and I do mean WE, are going to try a different route. Sheer embarrassment. What ever do I mean? How would you feel if a 2 year old climbed on a treadmill next to you and ran a mile (1.60934 km for my Brits) 2 minutes faster than you? Embarrassed as hell. If not, we are in deep shit because I only had one work out plan strategy for today. #be.a.team.player
Now let’s get to OUR workout inspiration: my 2 year old nephew. He VOLUNTARILY hikes with his mother a few times a week (so no need to all C.P.S #iknowwhatyouwerethinking). And, no, she does not carry him on her back or push him in a stroller up the hill (is that even possible?). He doesn’t even know how to say or even spell hike, but he gets his cute little derriere up each and every hill – even if he has to crawl. And he enjoys it.
I never understood what professional athletes meant when they said, “Every since I was a kid I knew I was destined to be a professional (insert your sport of choice here).” Now, not only do I understand how their “destiny” came to be, but I also know why I was NEVER “destined” to be one – #thanksMom. It might also have something to with the fact that I wasn’t great at any particular sport, but I prefer to think it’s my genes and my mother’s fault – not sheer laziness on my part.
So, ladies and gentlemen, OUR very first workout is…. Drumroll please….
1 hour of physical exercise. (I know, so anti-climatic.)
I figured since it’s our first W.o.W. I’d be flexible (insert corny joke).
So instead of some elaborate workout plan with pictures and an instructional video – I mean who needs all that? (Ok, I do. I’m totally going to stalk Youtube and Pinterest for my workout.) – all you have to do is follow these 4 STEPS:
1. CHOOSE A WORKOUT(s). If you choose to use a workout created by someone else please give them credit and share the link. And I am not opposed to the bedroom option but, no, battery operated devices do not count. And gentlemen – jacking off also does not count – well… maybe we will let it count as 5-7 minutes of very very very light weight lifting.
2. After you have COMPLETED your workout, ADD YOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE TO THE COMMENT SECTION (of this post). I want details. And I want the TRUTH – because if you feel like death afterwards I would like to know so that I can get my will and last testament in order before attempting that workout.
3. RATE THE INTENSITY OF YOUR WORKOUT. The rating system is 0-10. 0 = my grandmother could do this without breaking a sweat or a hip and 10 = unless your training for the Sex Olympics I would avoid this workout at all costs (is that even a real thing? I don’t know, but that’s the only type of competitive sport I am interested in.)
4. DON’T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR FITNESS LEVEL (i.e how often, how long, and what type(s) of workout(s) that you actually do – I italicized actually on purpose). An intensity rating of 5 for you, might be a 10.5 for someone else so this will help us properly interpret your workout intensity rating. (And if you lie about it – and I die – I will have you arrested for accessory to murder. #pushupscankill)
Now get those buns moving – those cups need something to balance on in case tables disappear from this earth due to a furniture apocalypse (if this actually happens all I really need to survive is a toilet seat – are they even considered furniture? Hold on I’m checking with Google… Yup, they can be. I can live without a lot of amenities, but I cannot shit in a hole in the ground. I’m just not that coordinated. And if I didn’t do it while I was in Africa, I am sure as hell not doing it while I’m in America).
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P.S. A SPECIAL REQUEST: I’m looking for any, and every workout that maximizes fat burning with minimal water damage to my weave. (water damage is code for sweat.) #weaves.are.just.too.damn.expensive
P.S.P.S. My weave thanks you in advance.