“Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.“
I love surprises.
Except when they come through the back door…or down my throat. And no, I am not referring to an appendage usually found on the male anatomy…at least not this time. #hotmess I’m talking about summer and strep throat. #fml
While I recognize that summer is a season, not a person for the purpose of this post I will refer to her as a “she” because “she” is hot as hell and as has a temper…ature that rivals any female that I know. #100degrees+ Well…Summer decided to bring a guest – her boyfriend, Mr. Sweltering Heat.
Every morning I wake up looking like I just got home from a night club. only I’m not hungover. #soconfused The good news is that this heat is a perfect excuse to wear bits of clothing that cover the absolute bare minimum amount of body parts. The bad news for those of us who don’t mind hiding underneath a comfortable and baggy pair of sweatpants – there is no “cute” way to rock sweatpants at the beach. Nope. Believe me, I’ve wondered if it’s possible.
Ok….so I’ve tried…. and failed. There’s a reason why there are called SWEATpants. #HOTmess Now on to Plan B: Finding a way to fit into the bathing suit I-bought-on-sale-at-the-end-of-last-summer-in-the-size-I-thought-I-was-going-to-be-this-summer. At the time I thought – you have a WHOLE YEAR to get in shape. and lose 40 lbs. Yeah….I’m pretty sure that’s been my motto for the last 4 years. but who’s counting?!?!?
So tonight I’m going to attempt the Tone It Up Workout (see below). I’m pretty sure I won’t be smiling, have perfectly coiffed hair or wearing next to nothing like Karena is in the photo below but the hope is that one day I will….be able to wear only one sports bra. instead of two. #hotmess Wait…was I supposed to hope for perfectly coiffed hair, a skimpy gym outfit, and to be SMILING as I worked out…yeahhhh, that’s not happening. unless I see a beautiful piece of eye candy in the gym who makes me want to smile EVEN THOUGH I’m working out. Or I have my NEW summer playlist blasting in my ears. #Dancingthefataway A playlist that I will go create. right. now. #struggle
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Don’t forget to follow these 4 STEPS :
1. CHOOSE A WORKOUT(s). If you choose to use a workout created by someone else please give them credit and share the link. And I am not opposed to the bedroom option but, no, battery operated devices do not count. And gentlemen – jacking off also does not count – well… maybe we will let it count as 5-7 minutes of very very very light weight lifting.
2. After you have COMPLETED your workout, ADD YOUR WORKOUT ROUTINE TO THE COMMENT SECTION (of this post). I want details. And I want the TRUTH – because if you feel like death afterwards I would like to know so that I can get my will and last testament in order before attempting that workout.
3. RATE THE INTENSITY OF YOUR WORKOUT. The rating system is 0-10. 0 = my grandmother could do this without breaking a sweat or a hip and 10 = unless your training for the Sex Olympics I would avoid this workout at all costs (is that even a real thing? I don’t know, but that’s the only type of competitive sport I am interested in.)
4. DON’T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR FITNESS LEVEL (i.e how often, how long, and what type(s) of workout(s) that you actually do – I italicized actually on purpose). An intensity rating of 5 for you, might be a 10.5 for someone else so this will help us properly interpret your workout intensity rating. (And if you lie about it – and I die – I will have you arrested for accessory to murder. #pushupscankill) (Don’t forget to check out W.o.W. W.orko.ut W.ednesdays – Vol. 4 #iamnotfat #imjustwellfed)
P.S. A SPECIAL REQUEST: I’m looking for any, and every workout that maximizes fat burning with minimal water damage to my weave. (water damage is code for sweat.) #weaves.are.just.too.damn.expensive
P.S.P.S. My weave thanks you in advance.