I don’t know about you but I’ve been asked several times for a striptease. I don’t know what about my personality makes men think that I am the type of girl who likes to slowly take of her clothes while they oogle my love handles and thunder thighs. #hotmess
But in the spirit of compromise I’ve had to figure out how to make their fantasy become a reality without losing my clothes AND my dignity. So ladies, and possibly gentlemen – because I’m am fully in support of quid pro quo (a striptease for a striptease) – here’s HOW TO give a Striptease. Tips from a girl with love handles and thunder thighs. <3
Tip 1: Google is your best friend.
I started with Googling: “how to give a SEXY striptease.” And no capitalizing sexy does not change the search result – I checked (but it was worth a try).
This is what I found:
I clicked on the first link entitled “How to Strip for your Man – Sexy Strip Tease Tips.” I was greeted by a very attractive female who I personally wouldn’t mind stripping for me. #callmemaybe but I in no way shape or form (#literally) look like her. or any of the other gorgeous models in the article (see below).
Don’t get me wrong – they did give some good advice. provided by an expert. But who here is an expert ?!?! I wouldn’t be Googling this shiz if I knew what the hell I was doing.
So in doing your research don’t forget who you are. I am a thicky thicky girl. with a slide of clumsy. So if I want a realistic reference I’m going to need to find some females who look like they eat dessert on a regularly basis. Y’all know how much I love to eat. Which leads me to my next point.
Tip 2: Lingerie
Look I love a good pair of sweatpants or leggings as much as the next girl. I happen to be wearing a pair right now. But striptease are one of the few occasions that even I can’t find a way to make my favorite sweats work. Because if we’re being honest this striptease isn’t for me…it’s for my partner. Because if it was up to me …let’s just say I’d still my sweatpants on. not to mention my “comfy” underwear. And yes, that’s code for the granny variety.
So to show you some (realistic) lingerie options I figured I should find some (realistic) examples. Because I am not a size 0. I’m pretty sure the only thing on my body that could fit into a size 0 would be one of my arms. on a skinny day. But the fact that these women are considered “plus” sized is mind boggling to me. Unless by “plus” you mean an extra serving of sexy. So I’m renaming them as sexy sized women. and if you have a problem with that you are more than welcomed to kiss my sexy sized derriere.
When choosing lingeries:
1. Accentuate your assets.
If you’re confused as to what your “assets” are feel free to ask your partner. or if you want to remain in stealthmode, i.e. keep the striptease a complete surprise, think of which of your body parts your partner gravitates towards the most. In my experience you can never go wrong with T & A. and if you don’t know what that means you need to step up your ratchet game. because to give a proper striptease you need to channel your inner bad betch. Notice I said your inner bad betch – not porn star or stripper. Unless you are a porn star or stripper. in which case go ahead with your bad selves. #werkit
But for the rest of us, we’re still working up enough “sexy” courage to strut around half naked without feeling absolutely ridiculous. Finding lingerie that makes you feel sexy is the first step. If you’re uncomfortable, you’ll know it and they’ll know it. Getting a wedgie mid-striptease is just not the business.
So here’s my advice:
1. Push up your tits. [They’re called push up bras for a reason // alternative: a Corset]
2. Cover your love handles. [High-waisted anything // Corsets]
3. ass. aSS. ASS. [Do I really need to explain this one?]
P.S. If you choose the Corset option, choose one with a front closure. They are eaiser to get on and off.
See below for inspo [inspiration].
Tip #3: HAIR. HAIR. HAIR.
Next to your lingerie, your hair is crucial. It’s the one thing that will be seen from all angles. So please repeat after me: I will not attempt a hairstyle that I have never done before.
This a recipe for disaster. and hair loss. See video below.
Personally I’m a fan of the I-just-got-out-of-bed sexy hair. I achieve this is with a technique I like to call “The Lazy Man Curl.” I grab random 1/2 inch, 1 inch and 1 1/2 inch sections of my hair and using my curling iron as a “wand” [I keep the barrel closed], I wrap the sections around the barrel for 5-10 seconds depending on how big the sections are. WARNING: Make sure you use the appropriate heat and times for YOUR hair. [See above video as a cautionary tale.]
The trick to “The Lazy Man Curl” is the randomness of the sections [1/2 inch, 1 inch and 1 1/2 inch] – it creates different types of waves for a more “bed head” than I-just-left-the-salon look. When I’m finished I go back and double check to make sure there are no super straight strands. Then I left my hair completely cool off before I run my fingers through it with a little Biosilk. That shiz will make even the nappiest weave feel silky smooth. and believe me I know nappy. #hotmess
I won’t lie, I look a little #BATSHITCRAZY during the hair curling process but at the end the finished result is I-just-got-out-of-bed sexy hair in 15 minutes or less. Right now I take an average of 12 minutes. I currently rocking the Im-too-lazy-to-even-comb-my-hair-look, i.e. braids, so I’ll post a photo the next time I put a weave in. #Christmas
[Make sure you try “The Lazy Man Curl”or any other hair style that floats your boat // tickles your pickle at least once before the big night.]
Tip #4. Let you inner drag queen stay inside.
I’m not saying don’t wear any make up. But this is not the time to start channeling your inner drag queen with makeup inspired by Ru Paul. Cover your blemishes. Keep it natural. or do a subtle smokey eye. Eye lashes if you want. But this is a show for one. No need to make sure people in the nosebleed seats can see you.
Ok, it’s Friday night. and as much as I love sharing these lovely words of wisdom I have a certain someone whom I affectionately call Mr. Sensitive who’s waiting to see this sexy sized mamacita. They say practice makes perfect. So let me go practice my “tips” so that I can become an “expert”, i.e. less clumsy, more sexy. and minus my favorite sweatpants. #fml
Until next #FreakyFriday….