A week ago ______ told me that she wanted to kill herself.
Don’t panic. She’s still alive.
Not because she decided she wanted to live,
but because she loves us [me and those who care about her] too much to hurt us.
[For the sake of ______ ‘s privacy I’ve decided to omit her name until she gives me permission to include it. and no it’s not because i’m scared of her….ok, maybe just a little.]
➤ ➣ ➢ ➤ ➣ ➢ ➤ ➣ ➢
For months ______ has been complaining that I haven’t written about her yet. but I don’t think this is the type of post she had in mind. but this post reminds me of why I started this blog. I just never thought that one of the people closest to me would be the person who may need it the most.
That’s not to say ______ is #BATSHITCRAZY.
Ok, she is… but her’s is a different kind than mine. and to be fair all #BATSHITCRAZies (yes I just made up that word) are different. and if we’re being honest everyone has #BATSHITCRAZY moment(s) mixed in with their “normal” lives. some of us, like me for example, just have “normal” moments mixed in with our #BATSHITCRAZY lives.
When I started writing this blog I knew who I wanted my “target” audience to be. the sane and the certifiable. plus everyone in between. so basically everyone. and their husbands. #literally (yes, I was slightly mortified to find out that I have a strong following amongst my friends’ husbands. why? because they love their wives unconditionally – as for my #BATSHITCRAZY….not so much #fml)
But what I never considered is that my blog could help one of the people that I love most in this world. that by baring my soul and let’s be honest – my vagina – I would make her feel comfortable enough to share her pain with me. and let me be the shoulder for her to cry on – minus the actual shoulder. #iphonechats
➤ ➣ ➢ ➤ ➣ ➢ ➤ ➣ ➢
Last Thursday, ______ called me around 12:30 am. That wouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t know that she HATES calling people – her generation is all about texting. well, her generation and most of mine. so when she actually does call me it’s usually because she’s returning my phone call or she wants/needs something and knows that I have preset texts that say “I’m not available right now but you can reach me at pick-up-your-damn-phone-and-call-me-you-lazy-ass-heifer ext 143.” Plus it was midnight on a Thursday night. There’s a reason they call it Thirsty Thursdays. and she’s in college which means they don’t even need a “reason” to drink. they just need a drink. #stat
But instead of her usual “hey doll” all I could hear was sobbing. and in my life I’ve never ever heard her sob. cry, yes. but sob, hells no. All I could do was try to get her to breathe and tell me what was wrong with her. She finally calmed down long enough to tell me that she hasn’t been happy for a long time. just content. and when she said “I can’t remember the last time something made me so happy that I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world” it broke my heart. #literally
For those of you who think this isn’t a big deal – imagine me doing this to you…
Because everyone is entitled to their feelings. Hence why they’re referred to as their feelings. You’re entitled to show empathy or apathy but you are not entitled to judge them for merit and pain level. You know that expression you can’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes – well try walking a mile in 6 inch stilettos. two sizes too small. in the snow. during a blizzard. I guarantee that the only feeling that you’ll be “judging” is how much circulation you have left. [sidenote: ______ literally made a guy do this once. minus the snow. and the blizzard.]
To prevent ______ from killing me in the near future, I’m going to omit most of our conversation because it’s not my place to tell her story but I can tell you what I told her:
1. her feelings are completely valid. and 2. it sucks to feel hopeless and helpless but 3. it does get better. with time. and help. I may have a Ph.D in retail therapy but I leave the behavioral therapy to the masters. of psychology and #BATSHITCRAZY.
______’s first response to my therapy suggestion was to tell me that therapy wasn’t “for her”. she had tried it before, but didn’t feel like it “did anything.” I think there’s a misconception that therapy is an a quick or immediate fix. Finding the right therapist is like going on a bunch of blind dates until you find someone that you actually want to see again. with their clothes on. and without several shots of tequila. [is that even possible ?!?!?] it can take a while, but when you find “the one” it makes it all worth it. corny, but very true.
➤ ➣ ➢ ➤ ➣ ➢ ➤ ➣ ➢
Our conversation may have ended in less than an hour, but______’s journey is only beginning. I’m just lucky that she’s letting me come along for the ride. I know from personal experience that everyone’s journey is different, but road trips are more fun when you have someone to laugh with, to fight with, and to insert-whatever-verb-applies-to-you with. and if reading my blog was the what made her feel comfortable enough to ask me to be that “someone” for her than everything, everything that I have been through has been worth it.
I wrote this blog to make people laugh. and think. and realize that it’s ok. it’s ok to have good days, bad days, and everything in between. it’s ok because we are ALL a little #BATSHITCRAZY – I’m just willing to admit it.
and my hope is that one day so many others just like ______ will be ready, willing, and able to admit it too.
P.S. I love you ______. and I am so proud of you that I could burst. my bladder. but for your sake and mine I’ll hold it in. at least until I get to a bathroom. [yes, I’m off to my usual bathroom break but at least this time I didn’t leave you hanging. #progress]